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TW: SEXUAL ASSAULT, RAPE
I have always had a hard time accepting a person as "good" and "bad" at the same time. It’s been much easier for me, safer even, to categorize people, men in particular, in two ways: safe or unsafe, and therefore good or bad. The idea that a man can be a rapist and still be a good man seemed to me to be an impossible idea. Since Kobe died on Sunday it has felt like the entire world is a Kobe memorial. For days every photo on every feed has been of Kobe and his more-than-impressive, 13-year-old daughter Gianna. I’ve only ever been a casual fan of professional basketball, and I’m not from California so Laker Nation and Kobe’s basketball legacy mean very little to me. But I saw how much he inspired people, particularly young black men. I watched video after video of people mourning Kobe, read touching tributes, and cried watching Kobe and Gigi playing together. The love she had for him seemed so present, and the love he had for his girls—and being a girl dad—was apparent. I reeled through all of it, feeling thrust into a scenario I couldn’t comprehend and really didn’t want to. Before the age of 10 I was sexually assaulted by four men and boys, some within my own family. When I was in college in 2010, one of those young men died. Suddenly my entire family was remembering a man who “partied like no one else” and was “the best big brother you could ever ask for,” and maybe he was those things. He also sexually assaulted me for years. No one honored those bad times though, and no one ever gave one thought to me. I remember feeling frozen in shock for about a week after this young man died, meandering around my college campus, trying to focus on my studies. My heart said, “Grieve”, and my mind said, “Celebrate. You're free.” I was breaking because deep down I was grateful he was gone. I was grateful that I’d never have to see him at another family reunion and try to pretend everything was okay. I was grateful knowing that he would never have the ability to hurt another woman or girl the same way he’d hurt me. I was grateful knowing he’d never ever touch me again, and that feeling of gratitude was the closest thing I ever got to justice. Now, to be clear, I don’t believe the punishment for rape should be death (though I do think it takes a larger capacity for violence to rape than it does to murder). I simply don’t think our legal system has found a way to bring real justice to survivors. No matter the punishment, a rapist will likely be able to move on and live a good life, maybe even grow to forgive themselves and forget about it altogether. A survivor will carry the burden of their assault forever. I’m not interested in the narrative that Kobe became a “better man” after the rape charges. I’m not interested in hearing how the suffering of women inspires men to be better; I don’t care, and that’s not our job. I was however, finally able to see that maybe this is not as black and white as I’ve thought in the past. Kobe assaulted someone AND he inspired millions. I still don’t know if I could ever place him in my "safe" category, but I know that many many people happily placed him in theirs. Now, in death, whether or not he was a good man will be decided by powers far beyond human control, and my opinion on him isn’t very important. However, throughout all of this, I couldn’t help but wonder how the woman who survived that assault feels, watching the world celebrate the man who hurt her and faced few repercussions for it. I hope she knows that there are many of us thinking about her each time we see a picture or a video of Kobe, and I hope she knows that many of us love and honor her too. So to you, survivor: there will be no monuments or memorials built for you, but I hope that you get to feel safe, and know that you know you are so so loved.
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Yesterday I discussed trauma bonding for #mentalhealthawarenessmonth on instagram @tori__gaines I wrote this poem to someone I had to let go of a while back. A #traumabond I had to break before I even understood what they were.  At the time I didn't understand why it hurt to let go, and why it was imperative that I did so with this particular person. I remember being accepting of it only when I realized it was good for THEIR healing to separate from me, it wasn't until later that I learned how much I needed the space. The first few times I reread this poem, it felt like the ramblings of a sobbing mess of a human (which it is…), but it’s nonsensical in a way that makes sense? (rather Dada sentence)
Yesterday I read this article , written by Concepción de León for the New York Times, while researching trauma bonds, and suddenly this poem became so clear. https://www.nytimes.com/2018/10/18/books/review/how-to-rewire-your-traumatized-brain.html Ms. de León’s process of recovering from childhood sexual trauma rang true for me as well, and it immediately brought me back to this poem. The book she references is a must read for many of us navigating the daily repercussions of SA. I feel a peace knowing yet another person has SURVIVED this, a deep sadness that it ever happens to anyone, and a furious desire to stop this cycle from repeating itself in our world. I’m thankful for brave people like Ms. de León, and thankful that I can also say to myself, “You’re safe. I’m here for you now.” I want someone who has had to chase their baby's father down for child support to run for President.5/14/2019 The state is supposed to help with this. That's why states like Georgia want you to believe. That they ever help women. They don't. States like Arizona tout these "tough on deadbeat dads" policies, BUT THEY DON'T ENFORCE THEM. Unless you are black? I'm not kidding, I can only find examples of black men being imprisoned for not paying child support, but I know at least 5 white dudes (I love family) that evade child support. They do this by purposefully underemploying themselves, or finding labor that pays cash and goes unreported. I know someone who is close to $20k in the arrears on child support for 1 of his four kids in separate states, and still nothing. He could be making $120k per year (that's what his last job was, when he first stopped paying). That's just one white deadbeat dad ignoring his children. Is jailing men for not paying child support helpful to their children? Naw, not really. Because then they lose a parent and the parent's ability to pay for their needs. So how in the actual breathing hell would it make sense to jail women who want to avoid an unwanted child AND this entire mess of a system that y'all can't manage? You want to put a pregnant woman in jail? Why is there is no one who supports this law who is ALSO suggesting that the fathers of those fetuses also go to jail? Let's not forget that many women who need abortions already have children, and are considering the needs of their children in that choice. Since your focus is so often on children and not the woman, think of those kids too. I think some people never experience this and so they have no idea or believe that the state enforces things like child support on fathers, so they think it's fair to expect women to take all responsibility for any fetus that is conceived. It's not. Think about that when you vote, because any law that's tough on women will always be enforced toughest on WOC, (particularly black and Native American women), and remember that the law is always kindest to white men. I included this article for some context, the accompanying report on US Child Support Enforcement is fascinating. www.nytimes.com/2015/04/20/us/skip-child-support-go-to-jail-lose-job-repeat.html www.urban.org/research/publication/assessing-child-support-arrears-nine-large-states-and-nation/view/full_report I feel a need to honor the two young lives lost on CMC’s campus over the past two weeks. Though I did not know these young men, I know I had something in common with them. To those who have already lost their battle with this, please know that you are loved. To my fellow humans who are still fighting: someone is listening. Please, please speak. And to those around them: listen. I submitted this letter to President Chodosh upon my mid-year graduation in December of 2013. The graduating seniors were asked to share their most meaningful experience at CMC. I chose not to edit it before sharing today. CW: Discussion of self harm. Discussion/description of suicide attempt. Resources: Do you need an affordable therapist? betterhelp has online therapy that is 100% flexible to your needs and it's more affordable than traditional therapy. You don't need insurance. Need someone to talk to? You can call 1-800-273-8255m 24/7. |
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